Posted September 4, 2008on:
(This post was written on Aug. 21.)
DH and I were talking about the meditation retreat (which I’ll be starting when this post is actually published) and he asked me what I hoped to gain or accomplish or discover…something like that.
This is a hard question to answer. One thing I hope to discover eventually is greater clarity in my life. This may sound trite, but there are days when I really wonder what I’m doing and if I’m doing the right thing. Then I start to wonder what is the right thing. How do you know? I’m looking to create some inner stillness so that I can delve into deeper issues and figure some things out.
I also want to find a sense of peace with myself. Having anxiety and depression makes for a pretty noisy and chaotic inner landscape sometimes. Often, it’s almost paralyzing and I have to really push to work through things and keep going. I’m not looking for a fix-all or cure, but I’d like the ability to make some stillness in there.
There is an image I have of the person I want to be. Although it’s pretty idealized, I still think it’s possibly to attain it. Part of it involves a more enlightened me who does good because it should be done, without ulterior motives. Yes, I’m beginning a journey that will never end, but I hope will improve who I am and how I treat others.
These are a few meager things I’d like to achieve. Truly, I don’t know what to expect out of these 10 days. I go in with no expectations of what it will be like because it’s completely different from anything I’ve done before. All I do know is that this is the right time to be doing this.